October 17, 2012

Face Your Fears

     Raw honesty time, gentle readers.
      For basically my entire life, I have always had trouble asking other people for help. Or even telling anyone else when I have a situation wherein I need help. It's the Mammahood-familiar I Can't Be Seen As A Failure/I Must Be Perfect and Do All fear.

     Do you know that fear?

     The crazy thing about giving in to that compulsion to do it all on my own is that, in the short term, my manic achievements are a source of confidence and pride; an endorphin-laden rush of power. But in the long term, denying others the chance to be involved in my life, and disallowing myself to be involved in theirs only creates weakness, loneliness, and isolation. I know that. And still I struggle to let others in.
     The other day I called up one of my oldest friends and asked for her help with something. That may seem mundane and expected and unremarkable to most people, but to me, the fact that I did it and I survived it was a reminder that, even with the realizations I've made about my fear, it's not something I can ever forget about or stop fighting. But the easy part of that comes here: I believe my Heavenly Father (insert your personal deity term here) opens doors that will lead us places where our weaknesses become our strengths, all the time, right in front of our faces. For me, those doors have lately taken the shape of someone asking me to be in charge of an activity or committee or event that I really can't (even though the manic-mom part of me still says I can) make happen on my own.
     My calling in our church right now is to plan and coordinate monthly activities for our women's charitable service organization. Every month I fight the urge to plan all the lessons, teach all the classes, and make all the refreshments by myself. A small part of me still feels that would be easier than picking up the phone and delegating assignments or asking for help. But I do it. I call. And you know what? People want to be involved. They don't call me names and hang up the phone like my fear-mongering subconsciousness tells me they will. They say yes. That lesson, I recognize, is why God opened that door for me.
     This past week, while volunteering in Riley's kindergarten class, his teacher asked me to be the group leader of the Halloween Party committee. I had to roll the words leader (not do-er of all) and committee (not solo party planner) around in my brain a little before I said yes. And later that night when I logged onto Pinterest to start scratching up some ideas, I had to remind myself again: The other parents on this list wrote their names down voluntarily. They WANT to help. Not only is it implausible for you to come up with and make all the games/activities/refreshments on your own--it's also not fair. And so I stopped pinning. I will give each of those other parents the chance to pitch in, and I will meet them and we will collaborate and--who knows?--maybe even uplift each other and encourage each other a little bit at the same time. 
     What fears do you face, blogland beauties? I hope you are conquering them as I am learning to conquer mine.The easy part is that the door has been opened. The hard part is choosing to walk through.

I hope you choose to walk through the doors God opens for you.

1 comment:

  1. You know, you can always ask me for help. I would be glad to help you. But I know the feeling. I am sooo not good at asking others to help or delegating. Or even reaching out sometimes. It is just easier to stay in my own little safe bubble. I miss you my friend! We need to go and play!